Faith In Something Bigger

I wrote most of this post a few nights ago. I didn't finish it and wasn't going to post it. In the interest of full disclosure and vulnerability, I decided to post it anyways. As of this morning, Lee has made more progress and the doctors seem very pleased with where he is at. I am not feeling as sad as I was the other night, but it does come and go.

Dec 3

I would like to continue Lee's story in order, but I don't think I'll be doing so.

I don't know how to start in the middle of this story. Right now I am sitting in the hospital on a couch/bed. It is late and I should be sleeping. Lee is trying to sleep too, but he is a restless sleeper and it is sometimes hard to tell if he is sleeping or not - he is wiggling either way.

Friday he had his 7th surgery. It should have been simple. The plan was to remove a couple centimeters to revise his anastomosis (the area reconnected when some small intestine was previously removed). Instead, they found that a good portion of his remaining small intestine was abnormal. It had not healed properly. They removed an additional 20-25cms.

Although we could have received much worse news, I still took this pretty hard.

I have lately been feeling a very heavy sadness about this whole situation, not just this past surgery. I am sure that I am a bit more emotional about this season, as well as weary of this whole case and feeling like we are not making progress. We all anticipate making much more progress this time, but it feels the same. The waiting through recovery. Waiting for signs of the intestines waking up and moving forward. Essentially, we have never made it beyond that point before, so starting over after another surgery is taxing.

I don't know what the future holds or how long each step will take. All I know right now is that this is not what I wanted for my life, for this season with Merit, and especially for Lee. The more drawn out I see this, the more Find myself mourning that. It probably sounds silly. How can I mourn and also rejoice that we have Lee with us? Because we do still rejoice. I have overwhelming rushes of love for him. I would do anything for him. I am thankful for all the staff, surgeons, nurses. I am thankful for homecare and technology to help him with this extended recovery.

---

I have been thinking a lot lately about unanswered prayer. I certainly don't have it figured out. I truly prayed and believed that God can heal Lee miraculously. Although I am truly disappointed that Lee needed this surgery and my family is split up all over the state and I am yet again feeling at home in the hospital, I still have a peace in God. I can't understand why things are happening the way they are, but I cling to biblical truth: God isn't surprised (Psalm 139:16), he has a plan (Jeremiah), our faith pleases him, especially when we don't see the promise fulfilled (Hebrews). I had faith that Lee would be miraculously healed, but I have a greater faith in a bigger God . Ultimately my faith is in him. My faith is in him being who his word says he is.

Faith that he sees a bigger picture, that he is good, that he loves, that he saves.

Although this one prayer was not answered in the way I would have chosen, there is evidence of answered prayer all over this situation: lee is still alive and overall healthy (growing, thriving), we are all well cared for, lee is making progress. His blood clot has gotten smaller. Our daily needs are met, we feel a peace and the sustaining grace of God. We have been blessed in ways we haven't specifically asked for either, and in more ways than I can list. Wonderful gifts from God, through people he has placed in our life. We continue to pray and hope that he is glorified every step of the way.

This experience truly does point us toward the Gospel and hope it does for you too. The pain that we feel for almost losing our son is nothing compared to what God felt in sacrificing his Son for us, an unjust death for unworthy people. He loved us enough to do that. The least we can do is love and trust Him who created Lee and knows him better than we do. So we thank Him for sacrificing his son and sparing ours.

Lee's Story: Watching and Waiting (4)

Sunday, September 30

Lee needed another surgery Sunday afternoon. They basically needed to check on the state of the intestines, potentially remove any that was dead.

*Josh: Lee just got out of surgery and it went great! We were praying with mark and Jody and came back to a room full of optimistic doctors! They didn't have to remove any intestine!!! He has some questionable bruised areas but it's looking good. He has all of his intestines out of his belly right now. It's pretty wild. Gonna be hopefully closing him up within a week maybe? Hopefully off life support and on his own in a couple days. He is stable. Praise the Lord

A: Ps 103: Praise the Lord, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 2 Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits—3 who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,

4 who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

During this surgery, Lee's intestines were placed in a silo. A silo is often used in the NICU on babies who are born with their intestines outside of their belly. It is like a plastic bag with the intestines in it, sticking straight up from the belly. This allowed the doctors to look at Lee's intestines without needing to go to surgery. It meant less risk and more awareness. 

*italicized portions are copied from our facebook

Monday, October 1

Updates were posted throughout the day.

Laura: Lee is stable this morning. They are continuing to watch and evaluate everything - constantly tweaking meds and determining what it will take to help his body recover. We are hopeful but need continued prayers as he is still very sick.

Josh and I got some rest and are still feeling very blessed by all of you! We really have everything we need and just ask for continued prayers at this point!

=+=+=+=+=+=

Laura: A portion of his intestine is looking a bit worse at this point and may need to be removed. They will watch it throughout the day. Please pray with us for 100% restoration without the need to remove it.

=+=+=+=+=+=

Josh: A few specific things to pray for with us...

1. lees strength and vitality to improve every day
2. There won't be any setbacks or complications
3. Lees intestines would be completely healthy and whole and specifically that they wouldn't have to remove ANYTHING.
4. Lee would go to a step down unit and be completely healed and closed up soon. Amen

=+=+=+=+=+=

Laura: Another surgeon just came to check on the intestines and seems less concerned than the surgeon we saw this morning. Lee is doing well, praise god! He is our healer! To him be the glory! Thank you for your prayers, and please keep them coming!!

=+=+=+=+=+=

A: Psalm 147:3 - "[God] heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds." Im so thankful we are Jehovah-healer's children! We have nothing to fear.

=+=+=+=+=+=

Josh: Lee is stable and under observation, they are taking pictures of him each day to use in academic studies, awesome to think this situation could help in the future save some other babies life! We are ok, exhausted physically and mentally but have great hope for complete hearing. Still a rocky road and the described it as a marathon and we are at the beginning. No dates yet but they said to play on being weeks if not a month or more. The part is overwhelming so we pray that Lee blows everyone away.

=+=+=+=+=+=

Josh: Came home for a shower and some sleep and couldn't sleep so I grabbed my guitar and played the first song in my heart. In the valley, oh God You’re near 

In the quiet, oh God You’re near
In the shadow, oh God You’re near
At my breaking, oh God You’re near

Oh God, You never leave my side
Your love, will stand firm for all my life

In my searching, oh God You’re near
In my wandering, oh God You’re near
When I feel alone, oh God You’re near
At my lowest, oh God You’re near

Height nor depth nor anything else,
Could pull us apart
We are joined as one, by Your blood
Hope will rise, as we become more,
Than conquerors through,
The one who loved the world

Lee's Story: First Day (3)

Saturday, September 29

I remember being admitted and they basically thought the intussusception had corrected itself. I left the room for something and when I walked back in I smelled it again. Blood was in his diaper and had leaked all over the bed. I called the nurse immediately. While we were cleaning it up I asked her if this was something that happened after intussusception. She said not usually, which didn't surprise me. I was worried.

We had a few more tests done. Another ultrasound and a contrast study. My parents came to be with merit and they all visited the hospital. We learned that Lee's gut organs were inverse. His stomach was not draining anything.

During the tests Lee was really lethargic. They had given him morphine and said it would make him sleepy. I was worried. We got back to our room and he was so lethargic. He was moaning. His color was off. It wasn't too long before the room started to fill with doctors and nurses. Someone was telling us they would need to do an exploratory surgery. Someone else was telling us that his body was going into shock. His blood vessels were probably collapsing and his body would begin shutting down if they didn't intervene. I was in a daze. I tried to stay out of the way, but I was so surprised by what was happening and the commotion around me. We followed as they moved him from our room to a new room in the PICU. They had the crash cart paddles out and ready.

The ICU room was a little bit smaller. It was filled with much more equipment and too many people to count at this point. I wasn't sure what was happening. I didn't understand why things had seemed so lax earlier in the day. We had been worried, but had spent several hours waiting for docs to check him out. When they did, they thought he looked good. It was later explained to us that children this sick often do that - they fight and fight and fight and then sort of fall off the cliff. Everyone was surprised.

We waited in the hallway with a wagon full of our stuff. I sat on the floor and cried. I knew we could be losing him and I was scared. A nurse rushed by and paged for the chaplain. My heart crumbled. The chaplain showed us a lounge next door we could wait in. She listened to us. She prayed with us. The doctor came in to tell us he was relatively stable. He told us how good it was that they didn't need to use the paddles on the walk down, since he had "fully expected his heart to stop." I won't ever forget those words.

We cried. We tried to talk, but we were both scared and upset so it wasn't reassuring. We signed consent forms for surgery, for blood transfusions, for anesthesia. A nurse friend came when her shift ended.

Josh told me it would be ok and I was so mad at him. I knew he was trying to tell himself that so I held my tongue. I had slept about 5 or 6 hours total in the 72 prior. I ached. My eyes burned. I curled up in a hospital recliner and cried and cried. I prayed. I worried about how to explain to Merit if Lee went to be with Jesus. My heart broke for my brother who shares Lee's birthday, and how all his future birthdays might be ruined.  I thought about how I could never have more children because it was just too painful to love them so much. I ached for Lee. I mourned. I prayed.

When Lee was stable enough, he needed surgery. We saw him briefly. I almost didn't recognize him.

I posted about the results of his surgery here.

Lee's Story: Going to the ER (2)

Wednesday, September 26

I was putting Merit to bed. Josh was at worship practice and Lee was laying on Merit's bed with us. Both boys had just been bathed. I looked at Lee just as he was about to spit up. Out came a mouthful of milk. It had happened so many times before. I cleaned it up with a towel and thought to myself about how he always seems to do this when he or I have just bathed. All babies spit up sometimes. So I put both boys to bed. I chose not to worry about it and straightened up the house before josh got home.

Thursday, September 27

When I got Lee up in the morning, I found he had spit up again in the night. It was mostly yellow. This had been happening many times since he was born so I was not overly concerned, and he already had a well baby visit scheduled. I nursed him. He spit up again. He seemed happy. He did not spit up again during his visit. I took his sleeper along to show the doctor the color, as we had been discussing the color and what color was a bad sign. Yellow or green could mean something was wrong. Since it had happened before and he was fine, we decided to wait. If he continued to have episodes, she wanted a radiology work up of his intestinal organs done in the next couple months. I was in denial. I feared the worst but wanted them to tell me there was nothing to worry about. He continued to throw up the rest of the day. Often it was just milk, after I fed him. We were much less concerned about spitting up milk than bile. He seemed a little sick but had no fever. I actually had a headache and felt nauseated too. Many calls to the doctors later and they said we probably both had a bug. He would display more symptoms because he was smaller. Other times when lee was spitting up, he would be delayed in bowel movements. It was the case this day too. Finally in the evening he had a normal BM. I thought he would be better soon. He continued to get sicker.

Friday, September 28

Lee continued to be sick during the night. He mainly threw up when I tried to feed him. He would cry out. We both slept in the living room with the tv on. It distracted him and we both dosed off and on.

The next day was more of the same. I knew he was sick, but there was no indication of how bad he was. Everybody gets sick sometimes. All babies spit up sometimes. If he has a bug, vomiting is normal. If the doctor thought it was anything serious, they would send us to the hospital.

We had things to watch for: wet diapers, behaviors. It shouldn't get worse they said. Looking back, it had gotten worse, but at the time it didn't seem like it was that much worse.

[I don't blame our pediatrician and plan to continue seeing her. While part of me will always wonder "what if" we had gone in sooner, I don't think anyone thought it was this bad, even once we were in the hospital. Josh and I are Lee's parent and made the final decision about when to go in - we don't feel like the pediatrician should have done anything different]

Later that evening some friends brought us dinner and hung out. Lee was lethargic. He cried and he moaned. He vomitted whenever I tried to nurse him, but I kept trying because he needed the hydration. He wasn't interested. It seems normal for someone with a stomach bug to not want to eat, to be sleepy.

I finally put him to bed. I was really worried about him but figured I was over reacting. I had been really worried during his other 'episodes' and everything was always ok. This time seemed different because he didn't want to nurse, but it all fit the bill for a stomach bug. Everyone gets sick sometimes.

I went to check on him before going to bed and could smell his diaper when I reached he hallway. It was awful. It was full of blood. I called josh in. We took pictures and changed him. We were on the phone with the doc and grabbing some essentials to take. We barely talked about it, but we were headed to the ER. Our friends were coming back to stay since Merit was sleeping and our doctor called ahead for us.

The night was long and weird. It was a lot of waiting. Lee was so tired. I was so tired. He wasn't wearing any clothes because he had been spitting up so much -I had been using towels for blankets to clean him up. An ultrasound showed intussusception. They did an air enema which showed nothing and admitted us to a unit. They said sometimes intussusception corrects itself. The most notable thing in hindsight is that the tech couldn't get the live X-ray image right. The doc kept telling her to flip it. We all thought it was the machines.

We were in the ER from 10:30p to 6:30a.

Lee's Story: Preface (1)

On September 30, Josh posted a note to several of our friends on facebook. I want to post the story here in more detail, mostly for us to look back on and remember. There was a period of time I thought I would never want to remember or recount the details, but I think I've changed my mind. It's a story for another night.

September 28 we found ourselves in the ER with Lee, our then 4 month old son. He had been vomiting for a couple days and when he had blood in his diaper, we took him to Children's immediately. After a lot of waiting, almost losing him, and an emergency surgery on the 29th, the letter below is the first of many facebook updates we sent to friends and family.

I think it helps explain what we were initially up against. Between then and now, he had 6 surgeries, 17 days in the Pediatric ICU (PICU), 33 days total in the hospital. He had a cardiac arrest, and several other scares. He has had 30% of his small intestine removed. He has a blood clot caused by a central intravenous line in his right leg. His outlook is good: he should have a normal life. Between now and then is an unknown road.

Today, we find ourselves praying desperately that Lee will not need a 7th surgery at the end of this month. He is home, he is on IV nutrition called TPN. He has come a long way, but he has a long way to go. His intestines could be in working order at this point, but there is an area that has not opened up. It could be due to swelling, or surgical scarring (stricture). Swelling will go away on it's own, while a stricture would need to be surgically removed. I will continue to post about his story and his progress as I have time.

Please join us in prayer for a complete healing. We believe our God is bigger than this. We believe it is by his grace that Lee is still with us. We believe in a good and loving God. We praise him for giving his son and sparing ours. 

Dear friends, thank you so much for your prayers and love. We feel it. We are most of all thankful for God and his loving care for our baby boy. Being surrounded by family and friends and our church has helped us tremendously.
We wanted to update everyone and use this as a private way to communicate with everyone. Feel free to add encouragements, scripture, and whatever on this message.
Lee has a unusual condition where his organs are flipped. They are on the opposite side of his body than normal. When they opened him up, they also found that there was a gap in the usually fanned out blood supply. The fanned out blood supply ago the intestines typically helps keep them in place, but the blood supply in lee was a different shape, and had a gap. This had allowed his intestines to twist, and they had also moved into the gap and sort of twisted around the blood supply. This caused a blockage beyond his stomach and also cut off the blood supply to most of his small intestines. The surgeon was very concerned about the survival of his intestines at first. She untangled them, set them aside to let the blood flow back in. She closed up the gap in the blood supply and removed his appendix. His intestines pinked up and were showing remarkable improvement, so she chose to keep them in tat and give them a couple days to perk up of they would. When she began to put them back in, they we getting squished and looking unhealthy. Lee is on lots of fluids so he is pretty plumped up and swollen from everything. She chose to leave them out and seal them up to allow them the best hand for recovery.
We know we are facing additional surgeries to determine the health of the intestines, to possibly remove dead intestines, and to get everything back together and inside. Sine he is so full of fluids, it may be a bit before they can fit his intestines in.
The best news is that he is alive! His body went into shock and he quickly fell into critical ocndition. It was a very scary time and we were not sure what to expect. The next best news is that his intestines are perking up so well. There is a chane of full recovery, but even if they remove some dead parts, there is enough viable intestine to allow him to be normal (not need a colostomy bag, etc). We will know more after additional surgeries.
What we are looking at now is based on reacting to how he recovers. There is a constant balance to keep him stable. He is on a ventilator. He is sedated. He is uncomfortable. His intestines are currently outside his body. He is recovering from shock. He has many tubes and wires and fluids and pumps and monitors and is restrained. He is on a lot of medicines. He is in ICU and probably will be for a couple weeks.
We are doing about as good as you would expect. Up and down, low and high. Fear and peace. We are super blessed by the amazIng surgical and ICU team here. They are incredible.
Lee is going into further surgery in an hour (2pm on Sunday) To see how things are looking. He is still losing some blood, but everyone seems really calm and hopeful.
Thank you again for everything, we will keep you posted.
We love you all,
The Scheutzows

Lately: August

It's been busy for us lately. I spent a week out of town with the boys and didn't really get on the internet too much. It was a nice break. Now that I'm home, I feel swamped with catch-up work and a heavy cloud of unmotivation. Mix in a teething toddler [those molars are ALMOST through, I can feel them!] and this space is the last thing I get around too. It makes me sad to think about the gaps I won't have to look back on in the future.

This month:

we dedicated the boys. There has been a baby boom at our church, and we do all the dedications at once. It isn't a specific ceremony for each child like when I was baptized. It went really well. I was kind of shocked because we had a rough night.

we spent 10 days out of town. We here means the kids and I. Josh was with us for the weekends, but had to come home for work. It was a much needed time for me. I helped my mom with a lot of work around the house. Grandparents loved on the boys. Merit enjoyed a parade. He really loves being at "da hou" and "namamama hou." I felt like I had a good break too, and just in time. Josh is busier lately, and I was starting to feel burnt out and in a parenting rut. Teething and potty training had brought us in front of the TV a lot, and it was a good way to break the habit. We also had a great time at my grandma's birthday party, and my cousin's wedding.

high school soccer season started for Josh. He is coaching at a school nearby. He is also working full time at his regular job - going in early to get out early for practices - and leading worship at our church. The season will last 10 weeks, and during that time we are both working harder. Josh obviously has a full schedule between work, soccer practices, soccer games, worship practice, and church. We share a car, and he's using it to get to all those places. I feel busier too because I am nearly single-parenting during the weekdays. I am not complaining: it is so good. I feel so blessed that we have these opportunities, and that Josh is willing to take them, so that I can be home with the boys.


a note about Josh being busy: I've been waiting for him to type up his part of our birth story. I really want his thoughts included, but he's not going to get to it during this season. Hoping to post an unfinished version soon! 

prayers have been answered. Remember when Lee was in the hospital? Merit was in the hospital too. I never blogged about it because I was in third-tri funk. During that funk, we also had significant car problems and needed to get something else. We share 1 car, so it needs to work well. All of these things have gotten us quite a lot of bills in our mailbox. This month, the hospital reduced our bills to 25% of our after-insurance costs! We sold our other [now fixed, but not necessarily good for the amount of driving we do] car! There is so much peace in knowing we are cared for by someone greater than this world.

Supermom

this post is dedicated to all mamas out there. Especially those who are my friends: you are all great examples and encouragers

You know those moments when you really want to be a supermom? I wanted to be one for the boys' dedication day. I had outfits picked out, family in town. I wanted to be able to cook breakfast, shower, look cute, have the boys ready, and get everyone to church early. This isn't too much of a pipe dream - I've accomplished it before... by chance.

The night before the dedication, Lee started violently spitting up. I would nurse. Then, instead of burping, he would just heave, and heave, and heave. We were using towels instead of burp clothes. Full size towels. He was still hungry. It happened again, and again, and again. Several times through the night.

Merit was potty training. He thinks it is really great when all our guests cheer for him, and so he 'had to go' many times. He went to bed late. He went to bed in a pack and play in the nursery since his room was being used for guests. Lee slept in our room.

I found myself sitting on the toilet of our tiny bathroom in the middle of the night. Lee would nurse a little, start to spit up. I would hold him over the sink until he stopped. Several times I tried to put him back to sleep, hoping the time would help calm his stomach and rid my milk of whatever [may have been] the problem. He was so hungry, so we'd do it again. We'd been trying to narrow down food intolerances, so I tried giving a bottle of previously pumped milk. It didn't stop. I could feel my vision of being a supermom fading with my sanity.

"Mami.... pee-pee...."

The next morning, Merit was out of sorts. It's the behavior that tells me his teeth are hurting. He would not let anyone do anything for him, except for me. I hadn't showered - unless you count being spit up on time after time during the night. I felt filthy, sticky, smelly. Lee had finally fallen asleep about 20 minutes before Merit woke up [early]. Screaming. With guests in the house. He didn't eat. He didn't want to sit on the potty. I was exhausted, and almost out of patience.

Somehow, I did make it to church. I was kind of thinking I would have to leave once the dedication part of the service was over, but the boys held it together throughout.

I was sure Lee was going to start up again while we were in front of everyone, creating puddles all over the floor. He didn't. Then I thought Merit was going for puddles when he sat down on the floor, holding himself, telling me he needed to "pee-pee." He held it.

When we got home, Lee was at it again. I was so exhausted that I nursed him, laying down, on a towel on the floor. I was too tired to even think about what I would do if he spit up like that on the bed.

I was really bummed. I want my children to be happy. I was sad that even though these are not major problems, they were going through stuff. I wanted to spend time with my family, and even while I was with them, I was worried about the kids. I wanted to sleep. I was so exhausted, I was impatient, I was stressed, I was worried. I wanted to be a better mom that day.

A truth hit me.

There was not any way to be a better mom, than to give all I can to my children. When I am beyond my ability, I am a real super mom. 

So: friends, mamas, mamas-to-be: Some days you will feel like supermom. Maybe you got the baby to sleep a couple extra hours at night, or at all. Maybe you got all your children down for a nap at the same time. Maybe you managed the kids all day and succeeded at cooking dinner. Maybe you gave the twins their bottles at someone else's house. Maybe you got to church on time, and remembered to put earrings in too. 

The days you feel like you have nothing left to give, you are fading away, you are bummed out, burned out. The days you practically bathed in the filth of your kids and nothing else goes right. The days you feel like you are failing, falling apart. You are a super mom. You are giving all for your children, and there is nothing better you could be doing. 

It is hard work. It is rewarding, wonderful, beautiful work, but it is hard. You are doing a great job. 

Also tell yourself that this, too, shall pass.  It is true, and your sweet little ones are worth it. It is just a season. You can do it!

A Haircut

Remember how poofy my hair was in that no-poo post? I was embarrassed! Not because I hadn't been using shampoo, but because it had been 7 months since I had my hair cut and it showed.

Shortly after that, I saw my aunt's blog/vlog about cutting her own hair.

I was inspired.

I tried it.

It worked!

Confessions of a Crunchy Mama: Deodorant

Don't worry - I'm not about to tell you I stopped using deodorant. You don't have to cancel our play date this week.


I did make a change to homemade deodorant.

I have some friends who are really weirded out by deodorant. The chemicals, the aluminum, the cancer stats. I wasn't really there - not super weirded out. I always prefer natural, though. And natural is often cheaper. I am definitely in for whatever is cheaper. 


I found an easy recipe on one of my favorite blogs and decided to give it a go. 


It was really easy to make and I really like it. The only differences from my other deodorant was fragrance [this has none] and texture [I think I need a bit more dry mixture]. It seems to work just as good and a bonus is that I've been needing to shave less.


I don't think I will travel with this because of the higher melting point [coconut oil melts at 76 degrees F], but other wise I don't really see a reason to go back to 'regular' deodorant.

Lee is 2 Months

Our sweet babe is 2 months old!

He is smiling and more active - kicking and punching the air. His head control is always improving.

We've had some weird spitting up problems with him and think he had a small stomach bug episode. He is off his probiotics and I am off dairy. That's hard, but he is worth it.

He loves watching Merit and is overall a pretty happy boy.

We haven't had a 2 month well visit yet, so I don't have any stats.... will update when I get them. I know he is growing a lot, and is in mostly 0-3 mo clothing but fits a few 6-9 mo outfits!

Not too much to report with such a little one. We're working on his birth story - can't wait to get that finished before we forget the details.

Training: Not

I guess you could say we spoke too soon.

I was having an incredible amount of pain in my ankles, shins, and knees while I was training. Every step I took during the day was painful, and running was significantly more so. I tried to run through it, but after 2 miles I was done and then continued to struggle through my day.

I'm not sure what the problem is, but I'm guessing it has to do with the hormones during pregnancy that help your joints to loosen up for birth. I think there is less stability and a higher propensity for injury.

We decided it would be best to hold off on training so I don't cause any permanent or serious injury.

There's always next year!

Midnight Molar Meltdown

Exhibit A: short-tempered
[excuse poor-quality cell phone pic]

Monday night Merit woke up screaming.

I went to him and found him more distraught than ever before. He was screaming. He was flailing. He wouldn't try to talk. He wouldn't look at me. I couldn't tell if he had had a bad dream and was scared or upset with me or if it was something else. I had noticed some short-tempered behaviors and other things that made me think his molars were coming in. He had been refusing food and putting his fingers in his mouth a lot.

I tried to comfort him and offered him everything I could think of to get him to calm down. Finally, he started asking for 'daddy' through a weirdly stiff mouth.

My heart was breaking for the boy. I could tell he was in a tremendous amount of pain. I would kiss him on the cheek and he would scream even louder. Kicking and flailing.

We brought him into our bed. We put clove oil [natural numbing oil] on his teeth. We tried to give him ice water [a favorite], tried to get him to take his medicine [tastes like candy]. After more screaming we just held him down and poured it into his mouth.

He would ask for ice water, and then throw it when he got it. We began to offer anything we could think of to help. Favorite toys, blankie, ice, cold wash cloth, milk, food, ice cream. Every time he would say he wanted it and then refuse to put anything in his mouth.

I finally snuck a spoonful of ice cream [pureed frozen bananas] in his mouth. I knew it would help his gums. He ate more.

He finally began to calm down, after almost an hour of screaming. He asked for more ice cream. Progress!

I will never forget that: all of us in our bed, in the dark, feeding him ice cream. 

Eventually we got him calmed down and he drifted off to sleep with us. He tried to roll over and couldn't and that woke him back up. He asked to be held, so I stood, rocking him, until he fell asleep in my arms. I took him back to his bed this time. He woke up just before I closed his door and wanted back in our bed. The compromise was that I would sleep with him. He was happy and slept the rest of the night. He slept in a little too.

I woke up a little after 4am and found him sleeping on the floor, flat on his back, alongside the bed. I was afraid of what would happen if I woke him up, so I left him there and went back to my own bed.

The days since have been pretty normal. He is more short-tempered and quicker to meltdown than normal. We have been giving medicine before bed to get through the nights. After these 2 molars are through, Merit will be done with teething!

And we'll start all over again with Lee.

Confessions of a Crunchy Mama: The OCM

My mom had sent me an article years ago. Written by a well known local chiropractor with incredible success rates, tons of knowledge, and enough published books to overwhelm me. He also claims beets are the best superfood you could have, and that is not for me.

I was using pro-active when I first read about The Oil Cleansing Method. I didn't have a clue what castor oil was or where to get it, so I pretty much forgot about the whole thing. Who washes their face with oil anyways? How could that possibly help anything? I was probably 19 or 20 and not willing to risk it not working.

I haven't used pro-active in years. I was just too frugal to pay for it, but found I had grown out of most of the problems that drove me to it. I sometimes use regular bar soap on my face, and sometimes use a name-brand face wash. Nothing fancy. I had stopped using toner a long time ago too. At one point, I had been using Apple Cider Vinegar as toner, but it literally made Josh gag when I would kiss him good night. That was no fun.

So last week when I stumbled upon a few more blogs about the OCM, I decided I needed to try it. I've had a patch of impossible-to-clear skin since late in my pregnancy. I figured since I was already going poo-free, I might as well dive deeper. I began my hunt for castor oil. I had to google what section of the store it would be in and found it was a laxative. One that my grocery store didn't carry. I finally found some and was shocked at my excited anticipation of trying it. I followed the directions on this blog post and mixed it with an equal amount of EVOO.

When she talks about the free facial, she wasn't kidding. It feels great, and I don't mind just being still for a minute at the end of my day. Normally, washing up is just another thing on the list of things to do before I can hit the mattress. Since I started, I look forward to this part of my day so much. And after: it works! My patch of blemished skin was beginning to dry out the first day. My skin wasn't abnormally dry, but didn't feel like lotion was necessary. I use tinted moisturizer, so I still applied - I didn't feel like I needed it though. I can't make sense of how applying oil dries out the problem area but leaves my skin feeling great, fresh, clean, healthy. No make up remover required either - so in just a couple minutes and one application, everything is done.

It doesn't matter if I understand how it works, this is one of my favorites! Definitely try it out, and let me know how it works for you!

Crew Game Family Date

Saturday, we got some last minute tickets to the Columbus Crew game [local MLS soccer]. We considered getting a babysitter because the game started at bed time and we didn't know if Merit would sit for a couple hours. We decided to make it a family date. Merit loved every bit of it. 

He loved the giant lights.


He loved the 'soccer guys.'


He loved the crew cat mascot.


He loved his [and my] brat [buck a brat night!]


We only had 2 tickets, so Merit made his seat on the stairs. He copied Josh's every move. Josh would sit with his hands folded in his lap = Merit sat with his hands folded in his lap. Josh clapped = Merit clapped. It was so adorable. He sat well, taking everything in. He made friends with the people sitting behind us and even showed them pictures of 'baby Lee' on my cell phone. 


Lee was a little less excited, but still a good sport. He slept in a carrier against his father's chest for most of the game. 

[click for full size]

Confessions of a Crunchy Mama: I'm Poo-Free

Shampoo that is.

I wish I would have blogged about the idea before I started, but I was a little embarrassed. I know I'm kinda 'crunchy', but this seemed to be too far out there.

I recently stumbled on this post about cleaning your hair without shampoo [using other natural ingredients instead]. I thought it was interesting, and that was that. I noticed we were almost out of shampoo and I was itching for a new brand too. I basically switch brand/type of shampoo each time I buy a new bottle because a change always seems to work better on my hair. So, I started thinking about trying it. I was excited too because I am super cheap. Beyond frugal. I already had baking soda and apple cider vinegar, so I wouldn't be spending any money at all. Bonus: not lugging the kids around the store any longer than I have to.

So I took the plunge. I can always go back, what do I have to lose? Except for 2 weeks of greasy hair - but hey, I'm a new mom! Great excuse. No one has to know. That's what head bands and pony-tails are for anyways.

normal looking, no-poo hair
[and i need a haircut]

Today it's been a month without shampoo. I am hooked. It has been so great, I don't really have anything to say about 'how my hair is.' It's normal. It's good. It holds style better than before. It doesn't smell like vinegar [Josh gags at the smell so I didn't tell him and waited for him to notice it: his nose is like a hounds]. There are not white dander-like baking soda specs.

The texture in the shower is definitely different. My hair doesn't get all lathery and smooth like with shampoo and conditioner. At first it was kind of stringy and wet, but it is getting softer. I DO smell the vinegar in the shower, only when I pour it on. I can't smell it afterwards if I try. And yes, my hair was super greasy feeling for about 2 weeks (maybe a day longer). I have often used baby powder to soak up extra grease on days I didn't have a chance to shower, but I stayed away from it - not sure if that would interfere with my natural production of oil.

I recently switched to using white vinegar instead of apple cider vinegar and I like it better. I felt like my hair was softer and had less of a buildup. My apple cider vinegar is REALLY old though, so I'm guessing that's the problem.

A cold rinse at the end of my shower seems to help too. I heard once it closes your pores, and is good for your hair/scalp. I think it makes my hair less greasy throughout the day.

Think I'm crazy? Try it if you want. Let me know how it goes.

Training, Week 1

I am out of my mind.

I don't really know what I'm thinking, but I'm going for it. 

We are training for a half marathon. September 9.

Crazy, right?

To be completely honest, I might back down. I think I'm only posting about this for accountability, really. I am going to see how my first 3 weeks of training go before I register.

 Josh has wanted us to run a half together for a long time. We started training in January of 2011, but stopped after a couple months because Josh was injured. He continued training later in the year for the October race, and I was pregnant. I want to do it with him, though. I do not really want to run in the winter, so I am hoping to get it into gear for a fall race. There is another race in late October this year, but it's the same weekend as a wedding Josh is in. SO, we found a race near our hometown September 9. That gives us 9 weeks of training total. Can it be done?

I'll get back to you on that.

I jogged a couple times last week, but really got serious on Friday. After I nursed Lee at 5:30, I hit the pavement at 6. And that's what I mean about being serious, because I am not one to want to stay out of bed. Ever.

My run was like this:
Minute 00:00 beautiful morning. First time being outside in sub 90 degrees all week
01:34-04:25 THIS WAS A TERRIBLE MISTAKE. What. Was. I. Thinking.
08:20 ok, this feels pretty good. I could totally run for 13 miles
15:49 HA! Just ran right back into reality. Who am I kidding?
20:01 ouch, glad to be home

I barely made it through an easy 3 miles on Sunday, and I've put in a couple more runs this week. I ordered new shoes that arrived today, and I know I really need them so that should help. Since I am rebuilding a base, my goals are to run another 3 miles this weekend and then add 1 mile each weekend before the race. Weekday runs are 2 or 3 miles for now and will hopefully build up to 4 or 5 by race day. 

My goal for the race: finish. In less than 13:44 minute mile pace, or else they will close the course and I won't be finishing.

just love me when you can

Yesterday I was working on balancing our budget during nap time. I looked up to find Rufio staring at me like this while pandora played the Kate Voegele lyrics beneath. It was a perfect fit. Poor pup.

So you'll be mine forever and almost always

And I'll be fine, just love me when you can, yeah

And I'll wait patiently

I'll wake up every day just hoping that you still care

Our sweet baby Lee has passed the one month mark! We did it!

 He is doing well and healthy and doesn't really have too much new to report. He is growing like crazy and learning how to smile and see better. He is bigger and stronger every day. He gets lots of kisses from his brother and is a pretty laid back guy.

We've settled into a general routine which has really helped his temperament [I'm guessing he spent a few weeks fairly overstimulated]. It has also really helped him sleep at night... He's getting 8 to 8.5 hours at night! He goes to bed a little after Merit and I get up with him once in the early morning.

Life with 2 is coming together, but I'm still figuring out how to balance all the household responsibilities, caring for the kids and the other activities on our plate. It's going well, though sometimes the cleaning gets put off. As well as the blogging.

1 month stats: 

21 1/4 inches (41%) 

9lb 7 1/2 oz (44%) 

14 3/4 inches head circumference (63%) 

Week in Photos: 6.30.12

Two Years!

Family photo at the splash pad

Merit is TWO! I can't believe it. I never felt sad about how big he's been getting until Lee was born. I was suddenly flooded with memories of this miniature Merit. I was always happy to help Merit learn independence. I cherished every stage that he went through, but never tried to keep him a baby. He is an independent two year old now, and I am glad. So glad that he likes to try new things and always attempts tasks on his own before asking for help. I always thought "I'll have more babies." It's true. Lee is here and sweet as can be. Maybe it was HOW small he was, or just remembering how sweet Merit had been and how far he had come.


Time has been flying too. I think Lee is a little bigger every time I look at him. He was also born smaller and has felt much more fragile to me. I think that is partially because of our hospital scare and partly because I have to be extra protective with Merit's enthusiastic love.

Regardless, our firstborn is two. He can tell you, if you ask him. His vocabulary literally grows daily. For awhile I knew all his words, and now I am frantically scanning for context clues to see what he is talking about. If he doesn't know the words to use, he is great at using sounds and gestures to communicate. In the last few weeks he started pronouncing some words better and stringing them together into phrases. 

He loves to help. I imagine we both feel like we are running around the house cleaning up after each other! If I am interrupted or switch tasks quickly, merit comes along and closes drawers, brings me things from around the house, etc. at the same time, he is dumping out all his toys and dragging them all over the place. He helps unload the dishwasher: putting the silverware away. He tries to help with any task we are working on.

Enjoying the Splash Pad on his actually birthday

His favorite things to do are: play with trucks, play outside, play with water, give Lee kisses, do puzzles on the iPad, be the center of attention around friends.... he is a pretty happy guy and there isn't much he doesn't love.

He eats anything. His favorite is ice cream [can't blame him], but he seriously does eat just about everything we put in front of him. Especially fruit. We were recently at a wedding shower where chocolate covered strawberries were at each setting and Merit peeled all the chocolate off - literally every spec of chocolate - and ate several helpings of strawberries and fruit salad. He asks for yogurt as soon as I go in his room and always asks for strawberries or blueberries in it as well. I don't give him such a hard time about eating or treats because he eats so well. I hope he keeps it up and am thrilled that our other children will have his great example to learn from.

Merit weighed in at 27lbs (35%) and is almost 34 inches tall (42%) at his 2 year checkup. He is right on track and perfectly healthy!

I am Blessed

The past three weeks (THREE WEEKS!) have been crazy, which is totally normal. What made them crazy was NOT necessarily normal. Some bad, some good.

Week 1 with a newborn should be expected to be pretty much upside down. If you're as blessed as we are, you will have lots of people in your house: cleaning, cooking, bringing meals (and treats and flowers), taking photos and visiting. I think it is so good to allow others to help in this way. There is really no schedule yet with the baby, you're body is recovering, and it is really nice to step back and let go of some of the responsibilities. Merit loves to have people around too, so it was extra special for him. I definitely have a hard time letting go of the way I like things. I like to have the dishwasher loaded a certain way and the toys put back in a certain place. It is so good for me though to just let go of those things, look past that and relish the blessing of the ones who love us.

Week 2 for us was scary. We spent 3 days in the hospital with Lee. Merit was passed around between some incredible friends and family. Ultimately, Lee choked and was having trouble breathing. I called 911. In the end, it was considered a random, one-time incident. He is healthy and normal except for a little bit of a cold. We stayed for observation and additional testing to rule out anything else that may have caused this event. After a little over 24 hours at home from the hospital, I packed up with the kids and headed out of town to celebrate Merit's birthday with a big family party. Again, we were so blessed by everyone who came, helped out, brought food, hosted us, and just loved on Merit. That boy is well loved. I am so proud of him, of who he is, of all he's learned. Seeing others enjoy him fills my heart with joy too.

Here we are, in week 3. Finally getting a taste of the new normal. So far, that includes a baby who sleeps wonderfully at night. He is giving me 4-6 hours in his first stretch of sleep, then 2-4 hours at a time afterwards depending on how much I can get him to eat before he is completely asleep again. That same baby barely sleeps during the day. He might have a few brief naps, or maybe just one or two decent naps. I have never really seen or heard of a newborn who doesn't sleep all the time! I used to wake Merit up to make sure he was eating during the day, so that he would sleep longer during the night. Our new normal includes a nearly 2-year-old who is loving his birthday gifts, loving being outside, loving his baby. He sometimes pays no attention at all to Lee. He is a very busy boy, always has something to do. Normally if he sees Lee, he runs over to cover him in hugs and kisses. He likes to lay next to him and cuddle. He randomly thinks of him and asks where he is, or goes to find him. I think it's safe to say he is pleased with him.

Week 3 finds us with absolutely no predictable baby schedule. I am missing my naps a lot, but I know it will get easier. I am so thankful that Lee is here, healthy (seriously-he's gained almost 2lbs!), and home with us.

Josh is busier than ever. Some of the changes I had mentioned a few months ago mostly include Josh. He continues to work full time, has taken on coaching a high school soccer team, and leads worship at our church. He is still involved in his own soccer league (but taking a break for an injury). He has been picking up my slack around the house for awhile (remember 3rd tri-Laura is useless). Most importantly, he is an incredible friend, father, husband and partner. Having Lee, we have been seeing what a great team we are. I couldn't do this without him, and I'm not sure how he does all he does.

I am sure of this:

I am blessed.

Lee

I have missed this little space of the interweb. 

Third trimester really takes its toll on me, and so this was the first to go. I've been almost as useless in daily life, too. 

Luckily, the third trimester ended May 24, with the birth of our beautiful son, Lee.

We are all healthy, happy, and adjusting well. 

I'm a SAHM

I miss blogging. I think that someday, I will miss reading about these couple months. However, it has been much more important for all of us that I spend my time in other ways right now. That includes being present and playing on the floor with Merit, spending some quality time with Josh, keeping the house [relatively] under control, napping when I need to, and chugging along on the mega to-do list I have before vacation and baby-time.

Life is changing for us.

I am a real-live, full-time, stay-at-home-mom. I am not watching JW and LM anymore. We miss them, but it is good.

We are a one-car family.

I spend more time on the floor making truck noises. I used to be more of a mediator/supervisor, but now I am full-time playmate. The mindset adjustment has been quite a change, but it's good for us.

Merit is growing molars. He is more fussy, more needy. Eating less and sleeping less. We still love him more than anything.

Spring is coming. Some days are hitting 60s and 70s and sunshiny and it is wonderful.

January Recap

We've had a busy January at the Scheutzow Ranch. We:

• transitioned Merit to a toddler bed
• got new bedroom furniture
• set up a new bedroom for Merit
• had 2 cars in the shop 3 times
• made vacation plans
• visited a new community group
• spent time with friends
• kept up with our usual things: soccer, midwife appts, work, biking, etc
• reorganized the basement
• had family visit from out of town (twice)
• ..... I am sure there is more that I cannot remember....

In the first week of February, we've:

• taken the car back to the shop
• moved Merit to his new bedroom
• had the furnace break and fixed
• had our first major experiences with teething-induced sickness (let's just say the nice version includes vomit. and diarrhea leaking while at a restaurant, new outfit necessary

This weekend we are celebrating my lovely Mother-in-Love! Today is her birthday! We're having a party.

The Third Trimester

Dear Third Trimester,


You have come! I welcome you, even with your impending discomforts. I knew you were coming when you're extra fatigue, shortness of breath, lack of sleep, sore hips, and varicose veins showed up. Next came the sharp-jab baby kicks. You are like family though, so I will [do my best to] graciously deal with the annoyances because they are worth it. They don't hold a candle to the sweet new life you bring. Your presence is a reminder that our baby is healthy and whole and growing stronger. It shows me that my body is capable: of pregnancy and birth. 


If you don't mind, please leave behind sciatic pain, swelling (in my face and ankles specifically), heartburn, and manly sweat. Let me sleep and enjoy my family - although I know you like to prepare me for 'newborn sleep' by keeping me awake at night. Please be especially considerate while I'm vacationing in Florida. Also, please don't overstay your welcome! If you could be out of here a couple weeks before June comes, I'd greatly appreciate it - but I won't count on it. 


It's nice to see you, I've been waiting for you!


Many Thanks,


Laura

What's Cookin': Grilled Cheese and Tomato Soup

Tomato Soup and Grilled Cheese

Tomato Soup (adapted from my Better Homes and Gardens New Cook Book):

• 3 Medium tomatoes (or equivalent - I used 5 or 6 romas)
• 1 1/2 cups water
• 1/2 cup chopped onion (about 1 medium)
• 1/2 cup chopped celery (1 stalk)
• 1/3 cup tomato paste (about half of a 6oz can)
• 2 tablespoons snipped fresh cilantro or basil (less if using dry spices)
• 2 teaspoons instant chicken bouillon granules (I added 1 bouillon cube)
• 1 teaspoon sugar

Blanch tomatoes to peel them. Boil a saucepan of water. When the water is at a rapid boil, add tomatoes for 30 seconds to 1 minute. Remove and place in cold water (I use ice water). When the tomato has cooled, the skin will practically fall off in your hands. You can remove the seeds if you'd like. I don't.

Dump your water and place all the ingredients in a large saucepan. I used onion powder instead of onion and just added to taste. It's worth noting that Josh doesn't like onion, so I purposely go light on this for him. I had no fresh spices so I added about half the amount of dry basil. Bring to a boil; reduce heat. Simmer, covered, about 20 minutes (until celery and onion are tender). Remove from heat and allow to cool for 10 minutes.

Put the mixture in a blender or food processor. You may need to do this in 2 batches. Blend until smooth and return to the saucepan. Heat through.

The cookbook also offers a chilled version: after blending, cover and chill for up to 24 hours. Top with sour cream if desired.

 Grilled Cheese:

• Bread
• Cheese (any kind you want)
• Butter

You probably know how to make grilled cheese. Go ahead and make your favorite. My friend Candis swears you should add honey. 

Josh makes the best grilled cheese around here!

We used fresh (still warm) bread. Butter the outsides, place cheese on the insides. American, mozarella, colby, cheddar, monterey jack, and blends are usually what you'll find around here. Place the sandwhich, butter sides out, onto a skillet over medium heat. Heat until golden brown. Flip, repeat. Cut into triangles, you won't regret it. Serve immediately with warmed soup. 

Grace

It may be apparent by my lack of posts lately that I have been busy with other things. I have actually begun to feel relatively overwhelmed by untouched to-do lists and a general lack of energy and motivation. I feel even more overwhelmed by the feelings of disappointment, guilt and failure that ensue.

On top of those personal issues to deal with, we have had our cars in the shop 3 times in the last 2 weeks. Last night our furnace stopped working. It feels like one thing after another around here!

Today I came across this post and knew it was exactly what I needed to remember:

suzie studios: reflecting beauty

What's Cookin': Guilt-free Chocolate Pudding

Guilt-Free Chocolate Pudding

• Avocado
• Greek Yogurt (mine is homemade and unsweetened)
• Honey
• Cocoa Powder (this time I used some Trader Joe's Sipping Chocolate Mix)

I put all ingredients together in the food processor. Today I used 1/2 a ripe avocado, 3-4 oz of yogurt, and about a 1/4 cup of Sipping Chocolate (has some sweetener in it... most cocoa powder will not). Blend together until smooth, scrape the edges to mix in and blend some more. Add more cocoa and honey to taste. I don't know how much honey I added because I added it a few different times. Definitely a couple Tablespoons. If it still tastes kind of earthy, it's the avocado. Fix it with more of something else - I add more cocoa and honey. 

Enjoy it alone or with graham crackers, cookies, apples for dipping!

What's Cookin': Mac-n-cheese

Mac-n-Cheese

This version is somewhat adapted from this book. For me, it is way simpler and easy to throw together in a half hour or less (including waiting for the water to boil). I also usually do the steps simultaneously if possible. 

I apologize in advance for the fact that I measure nothing. 

• Elbow Macaroni (or any fun-shaped noodles)
• Cheddar Cheese (shredded or small cubes)
• Milk
• Cauliflower & Broccoli
• Salt & Paprika

Salt water and bring to a boil. I use a steaming rack to steam broccoli and cauliflower while the water boils. Allow the veggies to steam over the boiling water for a few minutes before adding the noodles. Cook noodles until they are the appropriate texture or according to package directions. 

When the vegetables are the softness that I desire, I remove the steaming rack. I place the cauliflower in a separate bowl and puree with my stick blender.*

Drain your pasta water and add a scoop of cauliflower puree to the pasta. Add cheese and a bit of milk. I keep the stove on low heat to help the cheese melt. Since I don't measure, I slowly add these ingredients, adding more to adjust the texture/cheesiness as desired. 

Season with paprika for color and taste. Without it, I think the taste is rather bland. I stir in the steamed broccoli at this point for whoever wants it (Merit and I). 

*You could easily prepare purees ahead of time. I always store the extra puree for the next time, but it is still easy to throw together if you don't have a puree on hand. I also like to think that some of the nutrients are getting into the pasta via the water - but I don't know about that for sure.