I wrote most of this post a few nights ago. I didn't finish it and wasn't going to post it. In the interest of full disclosure and vulnerability, I decided to post it anyways. As of this morning, Lee has made more progress and the doctors seem very pleased with where he is at. I am not feeling as sad as I was the other night, but it does come and go.
Dec 3
I would like to continue Lee's story in order, but I don't think I'll be doing so.
I don't know how to start in the middle of this story. Right now I am sitting in the hospital on a couch/bed. It is late and I should be sleeping. Lee is trying to sleep too, but he is a restless sleeper and it is sometimes hard to tell if he is sleeping or not - he is wiggling either way.
Friday he had his 7th surgery. It should have been simple. The plan was to remove a couple centimeters to revise his anastomosis (the area reconnected when some small intestine was previously removed). Instead, they found that a good portion of his remaining small intestine was abnormal. It had not healed properly. They removed an additional 20-25cms.
Although we could have received much worse news, I still took this pretty hard.
I have lately been feeling a very heavy sadness about this whole situation, not just this past surgery. I am sure that I am a bit more emotional about this season, as well as weary of this whole case and feeling like we are not making progress. We all anticipate making much more progress this time, but it feels the same. The waiting through recovery. Waiting for signs of the intestines waking up and moving forward. Essentially, we have never made it beyond that point before, so starting over after another surgery is taxing.
I don't know what the future holds or how long each step will take. All I know right now is that this is not what I wanted for my life, for this season with Merit, and especially for Lee. The more drawn out I see this, the more Find myself mourning that. It probably sounds silly. How can I mourn and also rejoice that we have Lee with us? Because we do still rejoice. I have overwhelming rushes of love for him. I would do anything for him. I am thankful for all the staff, surgeons, nurses. I am thankful for homecare and technology to help him with this extended recovery.
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I have been thinking a lot lately about unanswered prayer. I certainly don't have it figured out. I truly prayed and believed that God can heal Lee miraculously. Although I am truly disappointed that Lee needed this surgery and my family is split up all over the state and I am yet again feeling at home in the hospital, I still have a peace in God. I can't understand why things are happening the way they are, but I cling to biblical truth: God isn't surprised (Psalm 139:16), he has a plan (Jeremiah), our faith pleases him, especially when we don't see the promise fulfilled (Hebrews). I had faith that Lee would be miraculously healed, but I have a greater faith in a bigger God . Ultimately my faith is in him. My faith is in him being who his word says he is.
Faith that he sees a bigger picture, that he is good, that he loves, that he saves.
Although this one prayer was not answered in the way I would have chosen, there is evidence of answered prayer all over this situation: lee is still alive and overall healthy (growing, thriving), we are all well cared for, lee is making progress. His blood clot has gotten smaller. Our daily needs are met, we feel a peace and the sustaining grace of God. We have been blessed in ways we haven't specifically asked for either, and in more ways than I can list. Wonderful gifts from God, through people he has placed in our life. We continue to pray and hope that he is glorified every step of the way.
This experience truly does point us toward the Gospel and hope it does for you too. The pain that we feel for almost losing our son is nothing compared to what God felt in sacrificing his Son for us, an unjust death for unworthy people. He loved us enough to do that. The least we can do is love and trust Him who created Lee and knows him better than we do. So we thank Him for sacrificing his son and sparing ours.
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